Pre-show

Today is the day.

It's funny -- when I do theater I'm excited to perform. I don't get nervous, I get excited. Back when I was a hot dog, I'd get excited to perform.

Today, I feel I've cast my lot to the wind and the leaves will fall where they may. I'm not confident, but I'm not confident that I'll fail. I know that the pieces are in place and I know I can play the solo. I also know I can crack, chip, clam and flub.

That's really my main concern -- accuracy. It's the bane of any horn player, and I suppose it's my time with the Mellophone that makes me less patient with accuracy. Why can't the fucking horn just hit the damn notes?! The Mellophone can. The Tenor Horn can. What makes the French Horn so goddamn special that it can't hit the fucking notes?!

So the key today is focus but not too much focus. Concentration without too much concentration. Thinking without overthinking. Going too far is as bad as not going far enough.

I invited a lot of people to this shindig. I know that most of them won't show. But it's not for them -- this is all about me. This is to prove to me that I'm good enough. I know I'm not a hot dog any more, but for 4 minutes I'd like to hang on to the memory that I was once.

I look back at my experience with the 1984 Olympics Band for inspiration, because when we hit the field, we were the Best That There Has Ever Been. I know that title wouldn't last long, but for a few days it was glorious. I was a part of something great. I was great.

So today is my shot -- at what, I'm not sure. But I've got an opportunity to shine or to stink. I vote Shine.