Postmortem

My wife once said that success has a way of taunting me but always slipping away. I get a taste of it, but only a taste. Of course, she denies this now, but she did say it once and I remember it clearly.

So now it's over. The moment I was preparing for has passed. I have audio and video to prove it.



The whole point of this journey was to try to analyze the journey itself, where it was going and why I was on the journey. I put a lot of heart and time and effort into this journey. What would constitute success? Who would it matter to? How would my life change if it went well? How would my life change if it went poorly?

Questions aside, let's just say that it went badly. My nerves definitely got the best of me. My high register challenged me. And my tone. What was up with my tone? I was sloppy. My notes had burrs and I clammed here and there.

But what was worse, and what was most unforgivable was how unprepared the band was. Now, this is an awesome band, and they approach everything with hunger and adrenaline. But in this case cues were missed, people played measures off, there was insecurity, the conductor plowed through a retard and pause ... it was amateurish and sloppy. It also totally threw me off.

After the performance someone said that it wasn't fair and I should get another shot at it. I thought that was kind on two levels -- one that they respected me enough to see that I was slighted, and one in that they heard how badly the band played.

Anyway, as I said, it's passed now. What does it all mean?

Honestly, I feel this was a wake-up call. The truth is that I am no longer and will never be a hot dog. My hot dog days are long over and I need to accept that. I am no longer the star and I need to just accept my position as just a person in the section and be happy with it. My path is not that of a horn player and I have to stop trying.

Okay, so I'm a little pessimistic. But I truly need to stop fooling myself. I just wish to God I knew what path I should be on. I can't write any more, acting and singing causes stress in my marriage, and I'm clearly no longer a star musician. I've had a taste of success at all of them, but none of them have gotten me to the next level. I feel as though I have lost my own identity.

Will I stop playing? No. I'll stick it out. I do enjoy the music. I don't trust the band any longer, though. I was hoping they had my back, but clearly they don't. For now I'm just the guy in the section.