Me and Mr. Smith

So last night at band we went through the 3rd movement of the Smith. I'm a little worried in that we only have one more rehearsal before the concert and we've only read through it once, and even then it was rocky. I feel like it's not being taken seriously. As a result, I'm getting paranoid about it - not the performance, but the piece itself. Maybe it's too easy or too trite.

What makes matters worse is that I'm still wrestling with nerves. Back when I was a hot dog, I was fearless. I never faltered when playing a solo. I had an abundance of confidence. Even now when I'm singing and dancing on stage, I'm full of confidence. Why now am I losing my confidence?

One theory might be that I'm still not confident yet as a horn player. I know I'm doing fine in the band, though nobody really comments on it. I don't get any feedback. Another theory is that since I'm so detached from the rest of the band, I don't feel like they've got my back. Yet another theory is that everyone is looking at me as a big doofus.

I don't like not being confident. This is one of the few things in the world I do well, and I don't like being nervous about it.

I want to think that this is good for me. I want to think that I need this opportunity to break through my lack of confidence and get it back. If that's the case, I'm up for the challenge.

I just don't want to look like a big doofus.